Date Fourteen: By The Way, Melinda.....

How did our species actually continue to propagate with men like the ones I've met?  Toothless and tactless they approach women with ungainly swaggers and idiotic comments they think will make us want to hop right into bed with them. Baby, are those jugs real?  As if that is going to endear a woman to a man in record time.  I'm sure there's a woman out there who will unsnap her bra and offer them up for the testing, and it is she who has created the monsters I've met so far. If women turned and ran when approached with such idiocy perhaps the idiots would rethink their pick up lines.  Some lines just make me want to cry for the man's mother.  She would be so embarrassed if she knew just what her son was saying to the fairer sex.

He was a personal trainer from Australia.  The former DJ in me loves a nice voice and add that sexy accent and I was intrigued.  I broke the rules I established after Fire Slave Dave for this one and we spoke on the phone for a week or so before we actually met.  I liked him.  The first conversation lasted 4 hours.  Very unlike me to do that, but we hit it off and the conversation went along smoothly and naturally.  Time got away from us as we spoke.  He was fun to talk to and the accent, well, it was very sexy. 

My own body image got in the way for a few days and I canceled the first date.  He's a personal trainer for an Ultimate Fighter and countless other people who are on a mission to create the perfect body.  My idea of a perfect body is not the same as his, I was sure.  Chocolate chip cookies are a staple in my diet, as are tacos and chili relleno burritos from the local taco shop.  I'm by no means a fat girl, but I'm not bone skinny either.  I embrace my curves.  He had seen photos of me and was aware of my physical stature, but a part of me felt I wouldn't be the type of girl a personal trainer sees outside the gym.  The last thing I wanted was to become his latest "project" as he made me run alongside the car on the way to dinner in an effort to turn me into a size zero.   After a few conversations he made me feel more relaxed about his standards by saying skinny girls are high maintenance.  So we met.

We got into our cars, got on our cell phones and headed down the same street towards one another until we came to the first place we both recognised...TGIF's.  He reminded me of Clark Kent with sexy glasses.  I had seen photos of him and made that comparison and he thought it was pretty funny.  He said he had Superman underwear and he promised to wear them that night.  Yes, I know you must be wondering, he's younger by 6 years.  But please note, they are getting older!

We sit and chat for a bit, order dinner and he convinces me to peek under the table to see his Superman underwear.  I do and I laugh, loudly.  He seems a little nervous and that lightened the mood a bit.  He wasn't tasteless about it, as he just pulled the waistband out of his jeans and let me get a look at the bold red and blue colors indicative of the caped crusader.  Or is that Batman?  Anyway, I'm liking him.  He compliments me on my appearance and I feel much better about not being a size 5.  

I see him looking at my legs when I get up to go to the bathroom so I ask, "Are you a leg man?"

Remember, he has an Australian accent.....

"No, I'm into vagiiiiiinas." 

The word vagina is pretty coarse spoken by an American, but have an accent like his and the word didn't gracefully trip off his tongue.  It sounded almost foreign and I'm sad that I can't mimic it for you in person.  What happened to the nerves he had half an hour earlier? 

"Oh."  I guess I sort of set myself up for the next thing he says.

"And by the way, Melinda,  I've got a nine inch cock."  He says it with pride.  "It's long, but it's thin."

At this point I've almost finished dinner and have the fork and knife still in hand.  I slowly set them down on the plate that I then push away from me.  I fold my arms on the table and I lean forward.

"Thanks, but wouldn't you have rather I had found that out on my own?   Seen the joy on my face and the twinkle in my eye as I clapped my hands with glee when I unwrapped that little present? You've ruined the surprise and now that I know what I'm getting, I don't want it any more."

I reached for my purse as he sputtered across from me.  I pulled a $20 out and dropped it on the table.  He started to laugh nervously.  I was a whole lot of shocked that someone would announce something like that at meal time.  And the first meeting to boot.  It was inappropriate and arrogant and it felt like he was auditioning for the position of porn star. 

"Wow, just look at the time!  Guess I'll be moving on."  I gather up my dignity and scoot out of the booth.  He gets up.

"Let me walk you to your car." He says.

"Fine."  We walk out and I go to my car.  There's no stalling for a kiss or a hug goodbye.  He opens the door for me and I laugh at his gentlemanly gesture after such an off the wall remark about the size of his penis. 

"Thanks."  I get in.

"Call me."  He says.  

Sure, when pigs fly.